Brother, Can You Help Me?

Community Building

The storm was far more devastating than anyone was prepared for. The power has been out for three days, and the utility company reports that they don’t have an estimate as to when service will be restored. What little food and bottles of water you had are gone. Your wife is terrified, and your three kids haven’t eaten in two days. Your pets have food for the moment but it’s getting low. You’re desperate and you’ve reached the end of your rope. You don’t know where to go or what to do. Your brother’s house is too far, and your uncle can’t be reached. The last time you were able to check the news, it was reported that over 400,000 people across several cities are without power. Your only option is to stay with a neighbor or a friend.

Your wife recalls that a co-worker, Pat, and her family live about a mile away. They have a small garden in their backyard and occasionally share fresh vegetables with you. She adds that a couple of months ago, she gave Pat a ride home and noticed solar panels on the roof and what looked like three rain barrels set up on the side of the house. Pat and her husband have three kids, one of whom is a toddler with special needs. This appears to be your best option given the circumstances. You decide that you’ll gather up the kids and go to Pat’s.

In this post, we’re going to walk through how to temporarily relocate without completely collapsing under stress and panic and without torching relationships in the process. This situation requires a change in the way you think, which, in turn, changes your behavior. It’s also manageable.

Presumptions and Assumptions

In this scenario when you simply show up at someone’s home, you’re operating on the presumption that the person you’re appealing to will help you. The underlying assumption is that based on what you know, the solar panels, the garden, the rain barrels, they’re able to help you. This logic is questionable, at best, and dangerous at worst. You don’t know the extent of the preparations made by the other family and, were it not for the situation, you wouldn’t have remembered their preparations at all. You have a casual friendship with Pat, so this is a huge ask. Further complicating the equation is the uncertainty. No one knows how long it will last and the duration of the event directly impacts the quantity of resources required.  

Again, you’re operating on logic driven by desperation and panic. The real danger is you and your desperation, due to your lack of a plan and resources, not roving gangs or hostile foreign powers or even the event itself. You’ve hit upon a plan; it’s time to execute.

Rather than simply showing up on Pat’s doorstep, unannounced and uninvited, with nothing but your needs, take a minute to compose yourself and gather up what supplies and resources you have. You likely have more than you realize. Go through the cabinets for staples such as toilet paper and paper towels; flashlights, batteries and phone chargers; cash in small denominations. If you have them, grab sleeping bags and tents, as well as sheets, extra blankets and pillows.

Even if you have half a bag of charcoal or a nearly empty tank of propane, take them with you. The kids should be instructed to prepare a bag containing seasonally appropriate clothing and some personal care items. Don’t forget to grab a book or two, a sketchpad and a game. Battery-powered games should be carefully managed because the batteries could be used in a flashlight, headlamp, lantern or a portable radio. Round up your supplies and stage them by the door in anticipation of the conversation with Pat and her husband.  

The Arrival

Driving is the usual mode of transportation in suburbs and after a severe storm, expect flooding, downed trees and power lines. Take care to avoid injury and further taxing already strained emergency services. Drive only if roads are clear; otherwise walk but watch for downed lines and standing water.

Do not make your lack of preparation someone else’s emergency. Ask for help, don’t presume or assume and under no circumstances should you ever attempt to take what you need from others.

There are two ways to handle how you arrive on Pat’s doorstep. Both approaches are based upon appeals to their humanity and sense of decency.

The first and preferred approach is to text or call and ask if you can stop by to talk. In this scenario, it’s not too difficult to guess what you want to talk about, and this works in your favor. Begging, pleading and threats can be put aside for an honest conversation about helping a friend- another human being- in need. Calling or texting in advance is the best way to approach them because it allows them time to discuss the situation and if they’re willing, prepare themselves and the house for guests. If they agree, you return home and get the supplies you’ve pre-staged.

The second approach is to show up without the kids and speak to Pat and her husband. Explain your situation, minus the histrionics, and ask them for help. Tell them what you’re able to bring in the way of resources and ask if you can camp out in a guest room or basement, if possible. This is important because you don’t know the extent of their preparations and you’re likely going to stretch their resource budget beyond what they’ve planned for.

Acknowledge their situation in addition to highlighting your immediate needs. Routines are essential to providing comfort and a sense of normalcy, so you want to be mindful that both the weather event and your presence have the potential to exert a negative influence on their child with special needs. The situation is taking a toll on everyone; however, as guests in their home, you have the added responsibility to be on your best behavior and especially diligent not to violate house rules and disrupt their routine any more than necessary.

 Never threaten them. Telling them you won’t tell anyone they helped you is a threat. What’s being communicated, without being said, is that you will tell others that they have food and water, if they don’t help you.

Telling them that they have more than they need is also off-limits and another implied threat. This assumes that you know what they need and that they’re capable of sharing. The presumption here is that they have an obligation to help you. The specific threat is that you will take what you need if they don’t help you.

As awful as it sounds, they’re well within their rights to turn you away. You minimize this potential by being honest, respectful and asking if there’s any way you can help them. Beyond mere utility, you want to be genuinely helpful, not another drain on already limited resources.  

Regardless of how you asked, whether you called first or simply showed up, allow them time to process the conversation. We’ve established that begging, pleading and threatening are off-limits and serve no useful purpose. If they tell you no, respect their decision and move on. Look for warming or cooling centers and resource centers at local schools or municipal buildings and call 211. Also consider the Red Cross and Salvation Army. There may even be another friend or relative you can call. The point is to calm yourself and identify additional options.    

Making It Work

If they say yes, give them time to prepare themselves and the house. Use this time to prepare your family, as well. It’s important to be excellent house guests and as we established earlier, respect the house rules and routines. This is a short and focused conversation you have with your children. Ask before touching; no running or horseplay; stay out of the toddler’s space; and use your inside voice. Let’s get the elephant in the room out of the way. Pets.

This needs to be an explicit conversation before you show up with animals in tow. Even if your host family is tolerant of animals, it might be advisable to keep the animal in its crate or kennel or a separate room, however they want it to play out. If you opt to leave the animals at home, check on them daily and be sure to leave them with ample food and water.  

Take your lead from your hosts. Whatever you do, do it quietly. It’s highly likely that meals will be a group affair and at a minimum, you should offer to help with cooking and cleaning up. Without being insincere, you should again thank them for their kindness and generosity. It’s also likely that there will be lots of time to sit around and complain, wax philosophical and stare blankly into space. Regardless of whether you share their political or religious views, discussing these topics in close quarters with nowhere to step away to invites unnecessary conflict. The inherent stress is more than enough for everyone to manage.  

While you’re playing the waiting game, take careful note of the preparations Pat and her husband have made. Ask appropriate questions to jumpstart your own preparedness. The garden, rain collection and solar panels will catch your eye first. Your actual top priorities and the first questions to ask Pat should be about the stored water, food supply, batteries and flashlights. Pat clearly worked from a plan and built up her family’s readiness, resources and resilience over time. These are the most relevant questions to ask her. You should also be preparing your exit strategy.  

Getting Out and Preparing for the Next One

Before you leave, volunteer to clean the house or even pay for a professional service to come in once the crisis is over. Ideally, you’d leave once the power is restored in your area. It should go without saying: leave before you’re asked. Leave as promptly and quietly as you can. They may not ask for or want money, but offer to replace the food and other supplies you consume. Finally, after giving it some thought, do something nice for Pat and her family. Perhaps you invite them over for dinner on occasion or you check in every few weeks. Do what feels natural, genuine and most appropriate for Pat and her family.

Without realizing it, you now have a community with Pat and her family. Put in motion the lessons you learned straightaway. After a thorough inventory, organize your tools and any other supplies you already have. Build your water stores and your food supply and identify a few resources to buy immediately such as more or better-quality flashlights and lanterns. For more, read Building a Community and I’m Your Neighbor and I’m Here to Help. Who knows? Next time, you may be someone’s Pat.